Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
