I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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