I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
