I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
