tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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