haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
