I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
