i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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