four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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