there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
