you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
