she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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