Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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