If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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