I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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