I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
