So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
