and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
