They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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