You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
