it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
