she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Hippo gnu deer
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
