Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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