I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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