I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
