mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
