I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
