I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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