if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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