I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
