my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
