Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
