I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
