This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
