you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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