I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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