dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
