i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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