I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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