Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
