Kiss
Puke
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
