im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
