god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I AM VODKA MAN
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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