six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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