JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
