At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Im part way to drunk.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
