White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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