Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
