I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
