When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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