I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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