YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
