it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
