I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wish they made helmets for livers.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
