Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
