Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
