It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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