My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
