my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize