i used baking grease as lip gloss
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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